


Meeting the BatFamily

by samarianuel



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons), Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Even the pets are mentioned, Like the WHOLE batfam, No one shall be seated, This is instead of revision, ngl you can't write that many characters, so most of them are pretty quiet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-08-27 08:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16699240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samarianuel/pseuds/samarianuel
Summary: The justice league is preparing for a mission that isn't really their specialty. A certain family invites themselves along. Concept based on the (I think it's Tumblr) story where theyrun into them on by one. Just want to say, not my concept, just my interpretation.





	1. Chapter 1

“We have to take immediate action!” Cried Diana, slamming her fist on the table.

“We need to think about this, find other strategies, try to reason with them …” Clark argued, staring her dead in the eye.

“We must attack now! Before they have a chance to prepare, it is the only way, otherwise we will not stand a chance.” Cracks started appearing on the table under her hand.

“She’s kinda right.” Agreed flash, “If they have time to prepare we’ll have no hope of beating them, they outnumber us ten to one.”

The rest of the league looked on at the two opposing forces with trepidation, very aware of the four tables that had come before this one. 

“If they even think we’re coming for them, they’ll kill the hostages straight away. We can’t afford to just run into battle, guns blaring.” Clark’s tone was pleading.

“They killed forty people, Superman!”

“And they could kill forty more, Diana.” Clark leaned closer to her.

“They might already be dead, why would they keep their word? They clearly have no honour.”

“We can’t take that chance.” Clark weighed down on the table, which began to creak slightly.

“What we need to do is rescue the hostages.” Batman interrupted, calm as ever. As both Clark and Diana opened their mouths to continue the endless debate, a small beep sounded from Batman’s wrist.

“Oh yeah,” came a young-sounding voice from the comm, “If you even think about trying to stop us you’re a fool, you know exactly what needs to happen, we’ll see you in five.”

The league had a moment of silence, before questioning looks appeared on their faces.

“Batman, who was that just now?” Clark questioned.

He answered them with a pained look, exuding more agony than they had ever seen him before. It was worse than the look he had when Flash had spilled mayonnaise on his cape, and tried to clean it with the rest of the cape. Batman had actually given him the cape and told him to never bring food near him ever again.

Batman got up and began walking to the teleporter room, the rest of the league following him confusedly, asking him repeatedly who was coming, to no avail.

As they finally arrived there, Superman grabbed Batman by the shoulder, turning him around, “Seriously Batman, who’s coming, this isn’t funny.”

Batman didn’t even open his mouth before the teleporter shone brightly, revealing a large group of costume-clad people.

“Hi dad!” Exclaimed the one in the black and blue suit.

“Oh my God.” Clark stared in wonder.

“He…wh…I…I don’t…” Wally was gaping, mouth opening and closing like a dying fish. After an awkward moment, the newcomers starting laughing, well some of them did. 

It could have been a combination of many things that made the league short-circuit; The supposed ‘children’ of Batman, or the colourful clothes some of them sported, maybe it was the sheer number of them, maybe it was the fact that a well-known criminal had just teleported onto the Watchtower, or maybe it was the baby she clutched in her arms. Whatever it was, nothing could be heard for five minutes other than guffawing of some of the aforementioned children.

When the justice league became aware of their surroundings once more, they stared at the people once more.

“Father, are these fools really the ones that you work with? They are quite disappointing.” Reported a small tanned boy, maybe 12, to Batman.

Green Lantern, seeming to come out of his haze first, directed his gaze to the woman holding the baby.

“Catwoman, you’re going away for..” He trailed off as she slinked over to Batman, handing him the child and draping herself over his arm. She made direct eye contact with him as she planted a kiss on the completely motionless Batman.

The young-man in the blue-black costume started his laughing once more, having died off before. He broke from his laughter to address Batman, still giggling slightly;

“You know, Batman, if you didn’t want this to happen, you should have told them upfront.” He wheezed.

The embarrassment oozing from Batman was almost tangible. His death stare was undermined slightly by the giggling toddler in his arms. The figure, (girl?) clad entirely in black spoke over the laughs from the young man.

“What’s the plan?” She asked plainly. This sobered the other members immediately, awaiting orders. Everyone looked to the caped crusader.

“Infiltration, Squad A, Black Bat, Robin, Catwoman, Nightwing, you go directly though air vents. There are maps in the conference room.

Distraction, Squad B, Red Hood, Bluebird, Signal, Batgirl you will cause a diversion, in a location I have determined will call attention to you.

Tech, Squad C, Red Robin, Oracle, you will be responsible for disabling security systems, you’ll have to do each section of the ship as Squad A comes to it, we can’t risk discovery, forty hostages on the line.

Brawn, Squad D, Huntress, Batwoman, the Justice league, and I will then attack the ship once the hostages have been brought to safety.

Is that clear?”

Everyone gave a firm nod, except the justice league.

“What the hell Batman?” Green Lantern yelled at him. “How old are these kids? He looks 12 for God’s sake!” He pointed to Robin. “You can’t be serious, there’s no way they could help, I mean, can he even tie his shoelaces? What’s next, you gonna tell the baby to   
put on a cape and fight too?”

Batman looked at him.

“Hey man,” Said the laughing man, dubbed Nightwing, “He couldn’t tell us no if he wanted, he tried a bit with me, a little less with him, “ he pointed to the teen with a red hood, “ He tried real hard with him, “He pointed to the boy ‘Red Robin’, “And he’d pretty   
much given up with him.” He pointed to the child.

“And I am thirteen. Not twelve.” Added the boy, Robin.

“Yeah asshole”, added Blue bird. 

“Besides,” Came a voice from every screen in the room, “I’m already working on the plan”. The league jumped, looking around confusedly, “ I’m with them. Hi!” Came the voice.

“That’s Oracle.” Nightwing explained.

“And, you’re ALL Batman’s kids?” Flash affirmed.

“He’s more like an uncle.” Oracle once again buzzed.

“Or a brother.” Agreed Batwoman.

“Enough, Squad B, familiarise yourselves with the camera directions and visual areas around the ship.” Batman once again called out, and the four teens filed out of the room, disturbingly in the right direction.

“Red Robin, take Terry back to the batcave, then report back.” he said, handing the baby over ,”It’s his nap time, so put him to bed, but not the one in the batcave, Batcow keeps licking him. In fact, just give him to Alfred” He said with the straightest face possible.

Superman felt as though he was going to faint.

“Bat-Cow?” He whimpered slightly.

“He is my cow.” Robin said seriously.

“Right.” Superman agreed. Of course. His cow.

“He refuses to have normal pets.” Nightwing explained.

“Alfred is a Cat.” Robin argued.

“No, hold on, isn’t that the guy the baby’s going to?” Flash questioned.

“No, there’s Alfred, then there’s Alfred the Cat.” Nightwing clarified, “then there’s Gerry the Turkey, and Titus and Ace the dogs” He finished, before walking to the Conference room, Squad B following.

The League looked at Batman, waiting for him to acknowledge the joke. He didn’t. He looked more desolate than ever. They could almost see memories flashing over his eyes, before he tore himself away, turning to the League.

“They can be trusted, they are extremely skilled, and completely competent. If you do not trust them, you do not trust me. Will you follow my plan?”

“Look, Batman, forty lives depend on this, maybe more, just give me something, something that I can hold onto, that helps me think that, child, can do a better infiltration job than you think any of us can.”

A moment passed, before Batman responded.

“He was raised by assassins, I didn’t even know he existed, otherwise I would have taken him. Nightwing is the most skilled-acrobatic in the world, and can climb his way up a wall made entirely of spikes without injury. Black Bat was bred and raised specifically   
to be the perfect weapon, also by assassins, in fact the same assassins. Catwoman is infamous for the ability to steal things, leaving no evidence, rarely being caught.”

“Yeah, now we know why.” Grinned Wally.

“I really did not expect this from you Batman. Associating with a well-known criminal.” J’ohn said.

“You think that’s bad, Robin’s mom is Talia Al Ghul.” Huntress muttered.

After a slow exhale, John, who seemed to have become the unofficial spokesperson for the league, closed his eyes.

“Let’s do this.”


	2. Meeting That Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support, thought i'd make this a trilogy

The aliens were gone, the hostages returned safely home, and everyone was safe, which meant it was time for some goddamn questions.

The Justice League, sans Batman, huddled in a group across the conference room from the group of similarly costumed teenagers. Each group seemed to be conferring about things, one group much more jovially than the other. Batman and Catwoman stood against the wall, watching both factions.

“Selina, really?” Bruce asked her with a pained look.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” She smirked in response.

“You know full well that you only brought Terry to embarrass me.”

“Bruce, are you saying you’re embarrassed of our child? I would have thought better of the man that brings colourfully and scantily dressed nine-year-olds to meet super criminals.”

He gave her a look. This only seemed to please her.

“Look, Batman, we need to talk.” The Justice League approached, Superman and Wonder Woman in the lead, John having retired as representative now that the others were able to talk again.

Seeing the action, the other group sidled over, creating a casing, trapping Batman in the middle of his worst nightmare. All of his children, and the Justice league. In front of him.

“We think you have a problem.” Joked Wally, trying to defuse the situation.

“Are these actually all of your children?” Asked Clark, still slightly incredulous.

“Not biologically, but yes, except for Oracle and Batwoman, as they made clear earlier.” He finished, before the aforementioned women could even interrupt. This answer was met with a slight sigh of relief.

“Ok, right. So, they’re all adopted then? Except for that one, uh , Robin, and that baby.” He said gesturing at the unimpressed 13-year-old.

“Technically only some of them have been legally adopted.” Batman conceded, met with sounds of exasperation from the League.

“Then they are not your children, Batman! What did you do, grab them off the street corner?” Wonder Woman shouted.

“I mean, he did with me.” Red hood unhelpfully added, to shocked faces.

“Ok, no, that is a literal crime Batman, what the heck?” Superman looked genuinely angry, but of course not angry enough to start, (God forbid), Swearing.

“Hey, no, ok, It was actually fine, he asked me if I was hungry, and he bought me burgers, and I was technically homeless at the time. It was less of a ‘Hey kid get in my van, I’ve got burgers’, and more of a ‘Hey kid, wanna live in luxury?’”

“That’s still creepy, man.” Reasoned Nightwing

“Oh yeah, how’d he get you then, Mr. Perfect?” 

“He came to my parents’ funeral and asked me to live him.”

“And how is that not creepy again?”

“Ok look,” Said Superman, cutting through the argument, “Batman, have you just collected every orphan you’ve come across?”

Batman shifted slightly.

“Not every single one.”

“No, some of us are only unofficially adopted.” Black Bat chimed in.

“Actually darling, he’s got the papers for the rest of you, he just hasn’t gotten around to asking yet.” Selina decided to add. Batman gave her an irritated look. “looks like he doesn’t have to now.”

“Actually, that’s another thing, Batman. Really?! Catwoman? Talia Al Ghul? Are there any more you’d like us to know about?” Wonder Woman looked quite angry as she asked this. He wasn’t oblivious, and he knew she had been flirting with him for a while now.

“That whore, Silver St. Cloud. But that was when he was a teenager.” Catwoman answered casually, in an extremely disdainful tone.

“Phantasm. She was actually a woman.” Nightwing added.

“Nocturna.” Joined Red Robin.

“Jezebel Jet, undercover agent of the Black Glove.” Damien stated. Everyone looked at him in confusion.

“Mother monitored the entire relationship.” He explained to the confused faces.

“Jesus Christ Batman.” Superman looked as though his world was crumbling before him. “ We were joking when we said you had a problem, but this is insane.”

“Just ‘cus you’ve only slept with one person in your entire life.” Bluebird mocked.

“What?” He asked, looking worried and embarrassed. “How the hell-” He stopped, looking at the rest of the league, his face turning red.

“Oh, we know who all of you are. It’s on the Batcomputer. Red Robin hacked it.” Huntress explained.

“And how did you…” He turned to Batman.

“Really Superman? Glasses?” He asked, totally unimpressed.

Superman looked as though his entire world view was changing, as Wonder woman stepped up. What a fun little tag team interrogation.

“That is a total invasion of our privacy!” She seemed truly angry now.

“Well, try hiding your faces when you fight, at least Flash gets it.” Nightwing advised.

“We have never attempted to find out your identity, Batman!”

“Then you’re far too trusting for your own good.” Batman informed them.

“Yeah, who trusts some freak dressed like a bat to know exactly what they’re doing?” Red hood laughed, receiving unamused glances from everyone in the room except Catwoman.

“I still don’t-” Clark started, but was cut off by a transmission coming from Batman’s wrist.

“Sir, Terry has awoken from his nap and he is hungry, I believe he wants his mother.” Came the British-accented voice of Alfred over the comm.

“That is another, goddamn thing!” John yelled, sick of his silence, “This is not a good environment for a baby, you are not good role models for a child! You’re a criminal, and you’re insane! This is not ok! There’s a fucking cow, and a fucking Turkey, and a fucking BABY! THIS IS NOT FUCKING OK!”

“Ok. Then come to the Batcave.” Batman said, the entire room having gone silent, smiles turned serious.

“What?” asked Nightwing, surprised for the first time.

“They aren’t sure about the environment Terry is being raised in. They don’t think we can look after him. They want to know my identity. Let’s help them feel comfortable. With your permission of course.” He looked the entire Batfamily.

They all nodded.

“Come.” Batman gestured. “Terry needs feeding anyway.” Everyone followed him to the teleporter room.

The bat family teleported down first, then Batman input the coordinates, and the Justice league felt themselves being teleported down.

“Oh, my, gosh.” Superman said, looking around the giant cave.

The others looked around, seeing none of the Batfamily around. Batman appeared beside them.

“Yes,” John said sarcastically, “This is the perfect environment for a child!” He gestured to the bats hanging from the ceiling.

“Upstairs.” Batman said, ominously. For a second, Wally thought maybe this was a trap designed to kill them.

The league ascended the stairs, looking around the room they had made up stories about. Once, they had even held a small competition to design the Batcave, the creepiest one won. (It was by Hawkgirl)

Superman pushed open the door, only to see a stark constrast from the cold, dark cave.

It was a warm lounge, fire lit, three red, comfortable looking couches, two of which were occupied by group of people. Looking closely, they realised that these were the previously costumed teenagers. They were sitting around, talking casually. (How the hell did they change so fast?)

On the edge of one of the couches, a very pretty woman sat, bottle-feeding Terry the baby. It actually took them a moment to recognise her as Catwoman, she looked so relaxed, without the air of maliciousness that her costume lent.

The walls were covered in books, it was a very large room, with a high ceiling.

“Okay…” Superman said, taken aback at the complete difference in character, and moreover, the identities of the costumed teens.

They turned to the door as a familiar woman wheeled in.

“Hey, aren’t you commissioner Gordon’s daughter?” Wally asked, having worked with the man once before on a forensics case.

“Yes, Hi, I Barbara, or Oracle as you met me before. Sorry I’m late, but that’s what happens when someone decides to hold an impromptu meeting at their mansion.” She explained.

They turned to Batman, only to see Bruce Wayne in his place.

Wally actually fell over.


	3. Wow, ok, he's an actual dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry it's short, but there isn't really much further one can go with this.  
> As usual, looking for constructive criticism, as a harsh as you like.  
> I'm really glad some people enjoyed reading this, and i'll probably write more like this is future.  
> Thanks!

"What the actual fuck." Superman came out of his reverie first. He, like the rest of the Justice League, was still standing in the same place and pose as seven minutes ago, when Bruce Wayne had appeared from seemingly nowhere. In the past seven minutes, he had experienced several thoughts and emotions. First he had thought maybe it was a mistake, maybe Batman was standing behind the brat billionaire. Maybe this was Batman's idea of a joke?

Then he felt angry. How could Batman keep something like this from them when he knew their identities? Was this really Batman? Some idiot rich kid with a power complex and a broody demeanour? What was the point of Batman, when all that money could do so much more? This is what had been funding them? The Watch Tower, the many, many tables?

But he immediately felt guilty over these thoughts, after all, he knew that Bruce Wayne was pretty much constantly donating to charities, building hospitals, and anything that could be considered heroic. And he knew it was unfair to judge someone by their upbringing, he had always been taught that. And he could even see that maybe Batman kept his identity secret because he had so many children relying on his own secret identity. It wouldn't be a leap to figure out who each costumed fighter was, bearing in mind Batman was the patriarch of each family. Superman could understand, if anyone ever threatened Jon, he had no idea what he'd do. After all, the only people with secret identities that had to be kept were him, Flash, and Green Lantern.

Then sadness hit him like a truck, had Batman not trusted them? He had thought they were becoming close, maybe even friends. Clearly Batman had shared his identity with loads of people, even villains for goodness sake. How was he meant to feel, when Talia Al flipping Ghul ranked above him in levels of trust? And God, Diana, she was practically in love with Batman! She had talked to him about it before, and she sounded like a giggling schoolgirl! Well, as much as a terrifying amazon could. This must be awful for her!

But then, Batman couldn't help that, could he? It wasn't his fault, and he already seemed to be quite in love with someone else, whether that person was a criminal or not. And Catwoman was known for being one of the tamest villains in Gotham city, rarely killing, never taking from the needy or the poor. She wasn't a hero by any means, but was she really that bad? And maybe he was jumping to conclusions, maybe Batman's identity was limited to those in this room, who were all, apparently, family. And he was showing them now, wasn't he? None of them had volunteered their own secret identities willingly. No, it wasn't fair that Batman had known theirs before they knew his, but he could see the reasoning behind it, and it was true that he certainly hadn't stopped them from finding out who he is.

He was finally drawn out of his thoughts, realising it was him that had spoken.

Even Flash, who was currently lying flat on the carpet, seemed surprised.

"Oh God, you swore, no, you swore! No, you don't swear! Is this a trick? Are you Batman too?" Flash finally sat up, terror showing through his white lenses.

"I suppose I shouldn't do my charming routine?" Bruce flashed a dazzling white smile at them. Flash threw up on the carpet.

Bruce's face returned to his usual slight grimace as he stepped over the vomit towards Terry and Selina, picking up the baby and taking over bottle-feeding. As he did, an old man entered the room with a bucket, (How? That had literally just happened three seconds ago.)

"Oh, look, there's a grandpa too…" Said Flash, looking dizzy.

"I would think so, after two decades of a five-hour sleep schedule and sewing people up at three in the morning." The old man agreed, placing the bucket into Flash's hands.

"This is Alfred, he raised me." Bruce confirmed, burping Terry over his shoulder.

"Are you done making scene?" A young, aggressive-looking boy asked them. This must be….Damien? Clark didn't really keep up with the Wayne family drama. Ah. That must be Jerry, the turkey, the one that was sitting one Damien's lap, being stroked like a cat.

Hawkgirl was gripping the table with a vice-like grip, cracks trailing from the fingertips, as she seemed to be held by nothing but the small table. Green Lantern was finally silent, eye twitching, looking rather pale. J'ohn was totally still, apparently trying to logically understand the situation. Flash was still lying on the floor, holding the bucket, and Diana was breathing quite quickly, looking angry and miserable.

"I, for one, am thrilled about this social progress, Bruce!" Red Robin encouraged, seeming disturbingly sincere.

"Yeah, you know, we were all getting worried you'd never make any friends." Blue Bird nodded sadly.

"But now you're becoming a real boy!" Red hood mocked happily, ignoring Bruce's light scowl.

"Oh, hold on!" Nightwing yelled, running to a desk, pulling out some sort of paper and a sharpie. After a moment of scribbling on it, he handed it around to all the teenagers present. "Name Tags! So you know who everyone is!" He stuck his own label on his forehead smiling manically.

After a moment of each Bat Child attempting to find an even more amusing place to stick their sticker, Harper winning as she placed it under her armpit.

"Well." Bruce said finally.

"Well what?" Superman asked, starting to feel very tired of being confused.

"You came here to ensure that my children are being raised in an appropriate environment. Please do. Feel free to ask questions, rifle through my belongings, and destroy my carpets at your leisure."

After a moment of staring blankly at him, J'ohn spoke up.

"Do you feel safe here?"

"Yes. I think we're all safe here, or at least hell of a lot safer than where any of us were before." Cass answered. "Those of us that live here, we know we're not going to wake up to someone standing over us with a knife, or a gun, or some sort of threat. We know that we have somewhere that's ours. That if we get hurt, we don't have to get right back up again for the next challenge. We don't have to go to bed with our injuries untreated. We don't have to skip meals."

"Don't you dare skip any of my meals." Alfred interrupted with a sharp look.

"See, for some of us, that isn't something we've always had." She continued, " Some of us have had to do horrible things. See horrible things. Some of us didn't know if we were going to wake up in the morning. Here, we don't have to do anything. You might think that he's using us, making us fight, but we choose to do this, and we all have our own reasons. I know if I wanted to stop, I'd stop. And I'd still have a place to wake up, still have meals to eat, still have a family. So yeah. I'd say I feel damn safe."

After a solemn moment, Clark asked what he thought was the most important question.

"Do you feel loved?"

Each child squirmed slightly, until Duke spoke.

"Last I saw my parents, they were laughing insanely, high on Joker Juice. I've been to a bunch of shithole foster homes. I had one woman trying to love me. She told me what to do, what not to do, told me off. She tried to treat me like one of her own. I hated it. I hated it because she was trying to be my parent, and that wasn't what I needed. When I met Batman, he gave me what I needed. A distraction. Hard training. Support. An identity of my own. Even a home. He became my parent. That's love. And I hope to God I'll see my parents again, but when I do, I won't give this up, because I don't really know what I'd do without this." He finished, gesturing around the room.

 

The room was silent for a moment.

 

"Well then. Looks like everything is under control here." Superman said weakly. "I'd better-"

"Oh no, Mister Superman, you're not staying for tea?" Alfred asked in a very implying tone.

"No, I really should get back, uh, the wife's making dinner, you know, and.." He trailed off, slowly edging towards the open window.

"Hold on." Flash murmured, struggling to his feet.

"Now, it's only fair, I mean, really." He said, pulling off his mask to reveal ginger hair and bright green eyes.

A moment of silence passed.

"Who are you then?" Diana asked. "I don't recognise you,"

"I'm Wally West, I work at Star Labs." He said, slightly dejectedly.

"Ok, fair enough." Superman acquiesced. "My name is Clark Kent, I work at the Daily Planet."

"You have a job, wait, but how does no one recognise you?" Wally asked.

Slowly, Clark reached into his pocket, and very slowly he placed his glasses on his nose.

He turned red at the subsequent guffaws of laughter.

 

"What, that's it? I don't need to sweat in a thick rubber mask all day, I just need glasses? Is everyone is the world either a genius or an idiot?"

When the laughs subsided, all gazes turned expectantly towards Green Lantern, who sighed.

"Might as well." He said as he pulled off his ring. "My name is John Stewart. That's plenty to be going on with." He quickly put the ring back on.

"Well wasn't that touching." Selina snarked.

"I'd better be going, " Clark edged ever closer towards the window.

"Kay, bye uncle Clark!" Dick screamed.

"I'll be in touch about Jon, and a possible friendship with Damien." Batman quietly whispered, Clark only hearing him with his super-hearing.

Clark grimaced, before zooming out of the window. He was quickly followed by the rest of the league, each going to their own abode as the sun set, but for Hawkgirl, who headed for Watch tower duty.

That night, no one in the justice league slept well. The few hours they did sleep were filled with dreams of large black cats picking up baby birds in its mouth, robins chasing bats around happily, and a heavily pregnant Batman. Needless to say it was horrifying.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's super short, and basically just dialogue, basically wanted to practice Dialogue. Let me know if you're interested in a part two to stop you from thinking about your real life.


End file.
